How to avoid arguments by setting boundaries with family

For some, the holidays are not the most wonderful times because of difficult relations between family members or loved ones.

But holiday dinners and group outings do not have to be skipped because of conflicting political beliefs or previous arguments, said Dr. Karen Lawson, psychologist and assistant professor in the Menninger Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Baylor College of Medicine.

“Take care of yourself first, and that means being around people who bring you joy and not necessarily being around those who bring you down,” Lawson said. “It’s not always possible to avoid people who bring us down, so this is an area where it’s super important to have good boundaries and know ahead of time what those are and what we’re comfortable with.”

Lawson walks through what boundaries are and how people can set healthy ones before spending time with family and friends.

Question: What is setting boundaries?

Answer: Setting boundaries has to do with being clear with what you’re comfortable with in a number of areas. These areas can include physical boundaries, boundaries of time commitments, financial boundaries (setting a boundary with family members or others who approach for monetary assistance) and emotional boundaries.

When we go back home or to a family gathering, time is often limited We can still navigate how we want to use that time and with whom, respectfully and with kindness.

Q: Why is it important to know our boundaries before we see family?

A: When any of us return home after being away, there is sometimes the expectation that some of the roles will be repeated – roles we held when we were much younger. There are a lot of conditioned stimuli – such as holiday decorations, certain rooms in the house – that are strong reminders of how things used to be. But those things are not always desired or healthy.

It can be helpful before going back home or to a family reunion to do some personal reflecting on what we are and aren’t comfortable with.

Q: How can we set boundaries and still have a good relationship with family?

A:  Try to take care of yourself first. Know the amount of sleep you need and what kind of food you eat, for example. Do not feel obligated to eat or drink more than you want or stay out longer than you’re comfortable with. We can still set these boundaries in a kind and respectful way.

Unfortunately, sometimes family gatherings bring up reactions in all of us that are not the healthiest. In these cases, I encourage my clients to take the high road. Even if others are behaving badly, the best thing to do to take the high road and not match impolite behavior. It’s important to respect other peoples’ personal space, too. Other people have boundaries, as well, and honoring those is important.

Q: What is a respectful way to have a conversation about a disagreement?

A: We don’t want to “tip-toe” through a family visit, but sometimes conversations come up unexpectedly. Some specific tips include using “I statements,” like “I have changed my view on that,” “I do not want to discuss the election,” or “I prefer to not use my holiday time talking about certain things.” It’s OK to make that clear. If a conversation goes further, people are probably better off saying “It looks like we’re going to have to agree to disagree,” and simply leave it at that.

One can say “I’m happy to listen, but this isn’t a conversation I’m really up for having.” When we are going to be around people with whom we know conversations do not flow well or we don’t agree with each other, if possible, make that time brief. We all have limited time and using it in unproductive conversations or in conflict is probably not what any of us want to do.

Q: What if they don’t agree with my boundaries or take them seriously?

A: It’s OK to repeat ourselves. Say “I would prefer not to spend my limited time on that topic,” or “I want to hear more about how you’ve been.” It’s fine to divert. Remember that people don’t change immediately, so be patient.

Sometimes family trips and reunions or holidays can be emotional and can be a family minefield. By using good self-care, being respectful and patient, but also knowing what our boundaries are, one doesn’t need to fall into those minefield traps.

Q: What are activities to do with family members other than talk / potentially argue? What are safe board games, safe TV shows or other activities? 

A: Card games and board games that people have played in their family are often still fun. Try not to take up political positions or ethical or moral dilemmas, if family conflict is likely to follow. Certainly, games that are a bit of a chance or luck, like Uno, or familiar games like Monopoly or Scrabble, can still be fun. Going for a walk, a bicycle ride or to a dog park can also be fun activities for everyone. Find things to do such as an easy craft together or festive things like Zoo Lights, light shows, botanical gardens or holiday lights. Cooking and decorating together are other things that can be enjoyable during the holidays.

Q: When do you know when it’s time to transition from boundary setting to completely cutting them out? 

A: We don’t have to keep everyone in our life, and you have to be OK with a transition. Be sure that you have support if needed, such as a partner, close friend or a therapist to talk to. Having someone to go to for support or to debrief is often helpful. Healthy boundaries, good self-care and support from others who care about you can greatly help during the holidays.

By Julie Garcia