What are considered relationship red flags?

Whether you are dating someone new or are in an established relationship, you might have picked up on a person’s red flags. These can be anything your partner might have said or done that you feel is a problem or a violation of your boundaries, independence or identity.

With Valentine’s Day nearing, mental health professionals in the Menninger Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Baylor College of Medicine share what red flags to be aware of in a partner before continuing in or taking a relationship to the next level.

Relationship red flags from Dr. Peggy H. Yang, assistant professor and psychologist:

• Feeling like you are under surveillance rather than being cared about.
• Feeling that one person in the relationship possesses the other.
• Defensiveness is the primary response when concerns are raised.
• Feeling demeaned, discounted or invalidated often in the relationship.
• Feeling that you are not able to safely talk to the person about a concern.

“Some red flags can be minor and worked through, but it’s also important when we’re in relationships, especially new ones, to trust your gut,” Yang said. “Talk with the people who know you and whose thinking and perspective you trust; don’t ignore those potential warning signs.”

Relationship red flags from Dr. Karen Lawson, assistant professor and psychologist:

• If the other person makes constant references to his/her ex.
• If the other person drinks too much on the first few dates.
• If the other person wants to borrow money from you on the first few dates.
• If the other person brags about himself/herself.
• If the other person does not let you talk on the date.
• If the other person does not seem to have any friends, or if those whom they do talk about are actually just work colleagues, neighbors or relatives. Healthy individuals have at least a few friends.
• Constant jealousy, asking where you are going, not wanting you to hang out with your friends or other ways of trying to isolate you.
• Poor anger management, including how the person treats a waiter, other drivers in traffic or someone doing something polite like holding the door open.

Red flags on dating apps or social media from Dr. Heather Goodman, associate professor and psychiatrist:

• People who seem great but never want to meet up in person or cancel at the last minute with a dramatic story (grandmother died, dog had an emergency, etc.).
• People who are con artists. A common ploy is that they have a picture that looks like a model, claims to be a doctor, is high up in the military, is widowed, is a supermodel or is almost always financially well-off. Often, after they’ve reeled someone in, they will have “an emergency” where they are stranded and can’t access their own money, so they ask you for it.
• People who do meet up but never on weekends or normal date nights, aren’t available for holidays, can’t talk on their phones in the evenings, etc.

What is love bombing?

In addition to the points above, another red flag is love bombing. This is when someone comes on to you really strong initially, and Goodman says this person seems too good to be true, only to disappear, become controlling or show their ‘ugly’ side.

“Eventually, personality issues are unmasked, and it’s not pretty,” she added.

“It may be flattering for us to receive positive attention from people who like us, but it could also be unwanted attention,” Yang said. “A person who is love bombing can be very hot and cold. If you’re in a relationship with a person long enough, they could be very intense with affection and attention and then they can become withholding of affection once they get upset.”

Relationship green flags

Yang says that healthy relationships have a balance of emotional give and take between partners. It is not always the same partner supporting and the same partner needing support.

“Of course, with life and its challenges, this ratio is going to flip and change depending on what each partner is going through, but you want to feel like throughout the relationship that there is both a give and take,” Yang said.

Green flags are also when you:

• Truly feel heard, not just by your partner’s ears but also by their heart.
• Have the ability to have compassion for each other and yourself.

By Taylor Barnes